


The First Thing You Want Never Comes

by hardboiledbaby



Category: Riptide (TV)
Genre: Fanart, M/M, Pre-Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-11-15
Updated: 2010-11-15
Packaged: 2017-10-13 05:30:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,386
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/133489
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hardboiledbaby/pseuds/hardboiledbaby
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In the ep <i>Smiles We Left Behind</i>, Nick tells Murray, "About eight years ago, we ran into her [Janet] in Washington while we were on furlough." What happened?</p>
            </blockquote>





	The First Thing You Want Never Comes

**Author's Note:**

> Text by hardboiledbaby; written for the "Glad All Over" songfic challenge posted on the LJ pier56 comm.  
> Banner by the wonderful Quoshara.
> 
> Songs - "Strange and Beautiful" by Aqualung and "You Don't Know Me" by Ray Charles.
> 
> Much thanks to Oddmonster for all her invaluable help. Any remaining errors are mine, mine, mine. The boys, however, are not mine, and neither are the songs.

  


  


  


  


  
_I've been watching your world from afar  
I've been trying to be where you are  
And I've been secretly falling apart  
Unseen_   


_March 1976_

I glanced at the slip of paper in my hand again, even though I'd memorized the address long ago, a lifetime ago. It matched the brass numbers above the entry on the brownstone. This was the right place.

I suddenly had an attack of cold feet that had nothing to do with the chilly March breeze. _I'm here, finally. But now what? What do I say, what do I do?_ I'd run through the scenario in my head so many times, so many different ways, but now none of it made any sense. _Wrong, all wrong._ My insides were twisting into a huge knot.

"Maybe this was a bad idea." I hadn't meant to say it out loud, but Nick heard me and shot me a questioning look. "She... she'll be surprised," I finished lamely.

"Well, sure. Most people are surprised when old, long-lost friends show up out of the clear blue on their doorstep. Isn't that kind of the point of not calling first?"

"Uh, yeah, I guess so."

It was going to seem really strange if I said I'd changed my mind, and I didn't think I'd be able to explain why. I hardly knew why myself. It was all jumbled and caught up in that ever-tightening knot.

 _Maybe I'm blowing it all out of proportion. Maybe when I see her, I'll realize it was nothing more than a fling, and then what? How awkward would that be? And what about her? It ended so badly between us. What if she doesn't even want to see me? What if—_

"Cody?" The voice was tentative, but I recognized it at once.

I turned, and there she was, standing on the sidewalk.

"Janet."

"Cody. It _is_ you." She started to say something more, but stopped and just watched as I closed the distance between us.

We stood there for a long moment just staring at each other.

Then I was hugging her and she was hugging me back, squeezing me tight. Having her in my arms, smelling her hair, hearing her say my name, it all felt so good, so right.

Oh yeah, I wanted this. Wanted her, still.

After a while she pulled back, and I realized she'd noticed Nick, standing off to the side. He came over as I turned towards him.

"Oh, uh, Janet, this is my friend, Nick Ryder. Nick, this is Janet Ingram, my... we—"

"Pleased to meet you, Nick," Janet said, slipping out of my arms as she extended her hand to Nick.

"Likewise," Nick said as they shook hands.

"Cody and I used to date in college."

 _Used to date._ She said the words casually, as though it had been a casual thing, but what we shared had been anything but casual. The memories of us together were rising like a phoenix, coming to life out of cold ashes, tangible and vibrant.

She began telling us about her work, and I tried to pay attention and act like this was all news to me, even though I knew about most of it. Well, not the details, but the basics, anyway. A PR person is pretty easy to follow, in a general sort of way.

"... handling marketing and promotions for one of the lobbying firms in town. It's a good job, pays the bills. And one of the perks is that you get to meet a lot of the key players, the movers and the shakers behind the scenes. It's all about who you know, here."

I pasted on an interested face and just drank her in. God, I couldn't get enough of her.

The young co-ed I knew was gone, replaced by a poised business executive. Her hair was about shoulder-length, a little shorter than it was when we were together, and she had bangs now. Her makeup was more subdued, less glossy. No more long, dangly earrings. She wore a light brown tailored suit that was very professional but still very feminine. She’d grown even more beautiful, if that was possible, the years only adding confidence and maturity to what had already been a pretty well put-together package, back in the day.

Suddenly, I realized they were both looking at me—Janet, expectantly, Nick, speculatively.

 _Oh-oh._

I tried to recall the thread of conversation but came up empty. I wondered what I was supposed to say.

Nick rescued me, as usual. "Well, I think dinner tomorrow is a great idea, don’t you, Cody?"

"Y-yeah, great idea. Really great idea," I nodded vigorously. "Just... great." _Smooth, Allen, real smooth._

"But I’m sure the two of you have a lot of catching up to do," Nick continued, "and I’d just be in the way. Why don’t you guys go—"

Janet said, "No, please join us," and I added, "No way, you’re coming with."

Nick’s sharp, he doesn’t miss much, and we’d been on enough weekend passes together to know each other’s signals, so I was sure he’d caught mine.

"Well," he said, "if you’re sure I won’t be in the way..."

 _What the hell?_

"Of course not," Janet replied, smiling first at Nick, then at me.

"Really great," I said stupidly.

"I know a fabulous place," she went on, "It’s the newest hot spot in D.C. They’re usually booked solid weeks in advance, but I know someone who can get us in. It’s jacket and tie, though." She eyed our casual outfits dubiously.

"How ‘bout service uniforms, think that’ll work?" Nick asked.

"Uniforms?"

"Nick and I are in the Army," I interjected quickly.

"The Army?" Janet was stunned, I could tell, but she recovered quickly. "Oh. How rude of me, here I am, going on and on about my life, and I didn't even think to ask... I just assumed... well, I thought you were here on vacation."

"We are, sort of a working vacation," Nick responded when I didn’t. "See, Cody and me, we’re MPs. We had an assignment to escort some of the top brass here for a meeting at the Pentagon. We’re on furlough now, but we have uniforms with us."

"I see. Well, uniforms are fine. The restaurant is called ‘The Prime Rib.’ It's on K Street between 20th and 21st, do you know where that is?"

"I’m sure we can find it," Nick assured her.

"Alright, let’s meet there at six." She looked at her watch. "I’d better make that call and get everything arranged." She nodded at Nick and gave me a quick hug.

Before she could pull away, I blurted out, "Do you want to have drinks, or something? Tonight, I mean. Doesn’t have to be anyplace fancy."

She hesitated before saying, regretfully, "I wish I could, Cody, but like I said, I already have plans."

 _Shit, I missed a lot more of the conversation than I thought._

She kissed me on the cheek and whispered "I’ll see you tomorrow."

I let her go.

I watched her run up the steps and into the brownstone. The wind kicked up and I could smell a hint of rain. I turned my back against it as Nick and I walked away.

  


#####

  


  


  
_To me, you're strange and you're beautiful  
You'd be so perfect with me but you just can't see  
You turn every head but you don't  
see me_   


Cody and I headed in the general direction of our hotel. After we'd covered a few blocks, the rain that had been on-again, off-again since we'd arrived in D.C. a few days ago decided to be back on again. Not heavy, but a steady, cold drizzle that still managed to soak its way through to the bone. I kept my eyes peeled for a cab, but there didn't seem to be any cruising in this neighborhood.

Cody was silent as we walked, his head bent, his hands in his pockets and his shoulders hunched. Not that I felt much like talking anyway. I had my own thinking to do.

 _What the fuck._

I’m not normally this slow, okay? But in my defense, this came in totally out of left field. I mean, it's not that Cody hasn't done his share of talking about girls. Hell, when you got a bunch of guys sitting around with nothing better to do, well, it's bound to happen. Bragging about your conquests is a time-honored GI tradition. So yeah, I'd heard all about the chicks he'd dated in high school and college, and it was a long list—many of whom were probably made-up, 'cause that's a time-honored tradition, too. But I'd heard them all, real or imaginary, and he'd never once mentioned a Janet Ingram.

I guess I should've known something was up when he got all nervous and mysterious about wanting to drop in on "an old college friend." Old college friend, my ass. Oh, she seemed nice enough, certainly pretty. Smart, too. But the way Cody was acting? There was definitely more to this woman than met the eye.

Now that I thought about it, he'd been distracted and agitated from the get-go this morning. We'd spent most of the day seeing the sights. Cody was supposed to be the guide, as I'd never had time to play tourist in D.C. before, but half the time he was staring off into the distance, his thoughts clearly elsewhere. I guess he'd been building up to it all along, working up the nerve to go visit Janet. Which tells you something right there about what this girl must mean to him. Also tells you something about how much I was paying attention.

But I had a situation of my own to deal with, one that had been building up for a very long time in its own right. I'd been trying to figure out a way to tell Cody that I was in love with him. Pardon me if I was a little preoccupied.

No one needs to point out the many ways that this is _not_ a good idea, either the in-love part or the telling part—believe me, I know them all. Getting sexually involved with a fellow soldier, a guy? That's just asking for a shitload of trouble, trouble neither of us needed.

And that's not even getting into whether or not Cody could possibly feel the same.

But it wasn’t like I had a choice in the matter, you know? Stupid as it may sound, he had me from the first time I laid eyes on him. Oh, not love at first sight. Not even lust at first sight. But there was just something about him....

I’d seen a lot of FNGs in my time, learned early on that the quickest way to getting your guts ripped out and your head messed up was to let one of them in, let him get close, let him mean more to you than a name and a face. Sometimes, even that much was too much. All my bad nights are filled with the names and faces of guys that never made it home.

Shake ‘n Bakes, officers fresh out of OCS, they were the worst. Their inexperience with the realities of combat meant they risked not only their own lives but the lives of the men under their command with every mission. Shit, the jungle kept chewing up platoons and spitting them out and there wasn’t a damn thing any of us could do except watch it happen, over and over.

So when I heard a new Butter Bar was coming in, let’s just say I wasn’t too thrilled, and even less so as this was pretty late in the game. We weren’t supposed to be getting new people at all. 3rd Brigade was already out, and if I hadn't been re-assigned to Support Command, I'd have been back in the States myself. A lucky break—although I didn't think so at the time—because it meant I happened to be on the spot when Second Lieutenant Cody Allen showed up.

He was so... what's the word? Incongruous, that’s it. Out of place. A fish out of water, scared shitless but trying like hell not to show it. And fucking drop-dead gorgeous. A god-damned pretty-boy innocent in a world that ate innocents for breakfast.

Like I said, I didn’t have feelings for him, not then. I didn’t know him and truth be told, I didn’t want to know him. I didn’t even _want_ him, pretty though he was. I’d seen enough guys who paid the price for letting their libidos get out of hand to know that there was no way I was going to make the same mistake. That loss of control—any loss of control, really—was simply too dangerous to risk. Bad enough battling the Vietcong; get caught screwing another guy, and you’d be fighting a whole other war. So I just figured on keeping to my usual—name and face, that’s all.

It didn’t take more than 48 hours for that plan to go to hell. Literally. A botched mission and four body bags later, Cody and I were brothers in arms, brothers in blood. Friends from that day forward.

That’s all I meant for it to be, too—just friendship. Cody’s my best friend. I love him and I would die for him. He knows that and he feels the same way. But somewhere along the line, that relationship, that bond, has come to mean more. It's everything, to me. Cody’s taken up so much of my heart, there ain’t much room for anyone or anything else. I don’t know how to change that, not without cutting him out of me. Open-heart surgery—I’d never survive.

So that’s the way it’s been, 'til now. But it wasn't going to last forever. Cody's tour was going to be up soon, but I still had a ways to go before I’d be done. We’d talked some about what we would do once we got out, vague pie-in-the-sky stuff, mostly, but Cody seemed to think we could find something to do together. I wanted that more than anything, but he’d have to know the truth, first. Maybe he could love me back that way, maybe not. Maybe we could still go partners in some kind of business, regardless. In any case, it was time to lay it on the line and let the chips fall where they may.

But that was before today. Now, I wasn't sure it would ever be the time.

We eventually managed to hail a cab and get back to the hotel. I let Cody shower first. When it was my turn, I stood under the spray for a long time, waiting for the scalding hot water to take away the chill. Finally, I gave up and toweled off.

Cody was still like I left him, sitting on his bed in his shorts, leaning back against the headboard. The TV was on, the volume down to a whisper, but I don’t think he was watching.

"What do you want to do about dinner, huh?" I asked as I pulled out a clean shirt and jeans from my duffel. I wasn’t really hungry and Cody probably wasn’t either, but it was something to say. I’d had enough of the silence, of hearing nothing but my own thoughts playing over and over in my head like a broken record.

"So what did you think about Janet?" Cody asked abruptly. It was the first time he’d said more than two words together since we left her. I stopped rummaging and sat on the edge of his bed, facing him.

"She seemed nice," I replied cautiously, wondering what I could safely say. "So, you used to date?"

He winced. "Yeah. We... actually, we were living together for a while."

 _So much for safe._

"Oh. Sounds like it was pretty serious."

Cody's eyes dropped away from mine. He began to fidget with the edge of the bedspread. "It was."

I didn’t want to ask, but I had to know. "Engaged?"

"No ring, but... we talked about it."

"So what happened?"

He pulled at a loose thread.

"We... we were in different places in our lives, I guess. When she got her Poly Sci degree, a D.C. recruiter offered her a terrific position, and she moved out here."

"Wait. Are you telling me she left you for a _job_?" Cody flinched a little at my tone. It came out sharper than I meant it to, but I couldn't help it.

"I-it was a really good job. It's not every day a small-town girl fresh out of college gets to play in the big leagues. She couldn't pass up the opportunity."

The words were hollow, probably echoes from the past, from an argument years old but never forgotten. It didn't sound like they convinced him. They sure as hell didn't convince me.

"Anyway," he went on hurriedly, "it was just a college fling. After that, we lost touch. I joined up, and, well...." He lifted a hand and let it drop back to the unraveling fabric.

Cody had once told me that he'd been a semester away from graduating and I'd wondered at the time why he hadn't stuck it out. Now, I guess I knew.

Cody's head was still bent slightly, but he looked up when I grabbed his hand to stop the fidgeting. His expression... there was so much going on inside him. I searched his face carefully. I had to be sure.

Happiness, desire, trepidation, love, anger. And overriding everything else, hope.

"Okay, Cody. I get it." I let go of his hand. If only I could let go of my dream that easily. "You want I should bail on dinner tomorrow?" I admit I knew he'd kind of expected that, earlier, but had been too polite to say. Ordinarily, I would have, right off the bat, but there had been something about Janet and the whole situation that bothered me. Still did, in fact, but I couldn't ignore what I saw in him, couldn't deny him his second chance.

He smiled at me, and it was the one ray of sunshine in this whole mess, my only saving grace.

"What, and pass up a great meal? A place called 'The Prime Rib' has got to have the best beef in town, right?" This time, he had my hand. He gave it a quick, grateful squeeze. "No, you should come. Really, I mean it."

He did mean it, and I swallowed against the lump threatening to choke me.

"Okay," I said, "but I won't stay long." The concession wasn't just for Cody's sake. I didn't think I'd be able to handle watching them rekindle their romance right in front of me.

"She'll think it's a little strange," he said, but he wasn't objecting.

"I doubt it. Frankly, Cody, I think she'll be relieved," I retorted, as wryly as I could manage.

He gave a small chuckle and squeezed my hand one more time.

"Thanks, pal." He moved to the edge of the bed, and I got up so he could swing his legs over and stand. He patted me on the shoulder as he passed by and started to get dressed.

I finished dressing as well, and grabbed a jacket before we headed out again. It didn't keep out the cold, though.

  


#####

  


  


  
_Sometimes, the last thing you want comes in first  
Sometimes, the first thing you want never comes  
And I know, the waiting is all you can do  
Sometimes_   


"Hope you emptied out your piggy bank, pal," Nick murmured.

The Prime Rib restaurant turned out to be more like an old-fashioned gentlemen's club than a trendy hot spot, but then again, this was D.C. we were talking about. It was elegant, classy, and, by the look of the menu, _very_ expensive.

"We're going halves, aren't we?" I whispered back.

"Hey, Janet's your date, not mine. Besides, this place was her idea."

That deserved a dirty look and I gave him one. "Yeah, so? If you're suggesting I make her pay—" I heard footsteps behind me and turned. It was Janet.

She had shed her professional look for a sophisticated evening one: A black dress, high heels, and a few understated pieces of gold jewelry. She fit the ambiance of the restaurant perfectly. She smiled at me and suddenly, my mouth was dry.

"Hi, Cody. Nick."

"Hi, Janet," Nick said.

"I hope you weren't waiting long."

"No, not at all. You look lovely."

"Why, thank you, Nick."

I finally managed to peel my tongue from the roof of my mouth.

"Hi, Janet. You, ah, you look l-lovely." Inside, I cringed. I hadn’t been this tongue-tied since I was a teenager. Not even when Janet and I first met had it been this bad. I didn’t know why I was so nervous, but it had to stop, and right now. I took a deep breath and tried to relax.

Her smile widened and her eyes twinkled, but she didn’t laugh out loud, thank goodness.

"Thank you, Cody. You boys look pretty good, yourselves." She ran a finger lightly over the ribbons on my jacket. "Mmm, there's just something about a man in uniform."

I did _not_ blush.

Next thing I knew, we were seated at a table, and the maître d’ himself was fussing over us.

After we got through the business of ordering, there was a long moment of silence. We all exchanged glances, but no one said anything. Finally, Nick cleared his throat.

"So, great weather we've been having..."

It was lame, but we all laughed anyway. Then Janet said, "So, how long have you two known each other?"

"Almost four years, isn't that right, Cody?"

I nodded.

I could see Janet doing the math. "Oh. I see. Did you join the army at the same time?"

"No, Nick's been in longer than I have. We met when we were both assigned to the same base in Vietnam."

"You were over there?" Janet exclaimed. "My God, Cody, you...." Stunned, she stared at me.

After a moment, her eyes shifted, and I realized someone was standing next to our table. I looked up, thinking the waiter had returned. Instead, it was an older man in a very expensive-looking suit, medium height, heavy build, dark-haired with a sprinkling of gray.

"Hello, Janet."

"Fred! I wasn’t expecting to see you tonight."

"Change of plans," he said, shrugging easily. "My family is still in the Bahamas, and I didn’t feel like eating at home."

She stood up, Nick and I followed suit. "Cody Allen, Nick Ryder, this is Fred Martindale, with the State Department." As we shook hands, she added, "Fred is the one who got us the reservations here."

Martindale waved off our thanks. "It was my pleasure, Lieutenants. I should be thanking you for your service. So, how are you boys enjoying our fair city?"

"We were just talking about the lovely weather you have here," I said, and everyone chuckled politely.

"You do seem to have arrived at a rather unfortunate time. Winter hasn’t quite left and Spring isn’t quite here. I hope it hasn’t dampened your spirits too much?"

"Nah, it’s not that bad," Nick said.

"Good, good. There are less crowds at the tourist spots when it’s like this, so there are some advantages."

"Yeah, we noticed that."

"Well," he glanced at his wristwatch, "I didn't mean to interrupt, just wanted to say ‘hello.’" He turned to Janet. "Everything okay, I trust?"

"Yes, thank you," she replied.

"Excellent. I’ll see you soon." He reached for Janet’s hand and clasped it between both of his briefly. "Enjoy your evening. It was nice meeting you, gentlemen, and if there’s anything I can do for you...." He sketched a salute as he stepped away and headed toward the rear of the restaurant.

"Well, that was nice of him," I said as we sat down. "How do you know him?"

Janet had turned to watch him, as she turned back, she said, "Oh, we met at a mixer somewhere. He's with the Bureau of Consular Affairs. A very useful contact."

"Yeah?" Nick said. His tone was agreeable but edged with something I didn't quite get.

I glanced quickly at him. His eyes were thoughtful. He didn't say anything else, though, so I let it go.

Our waiter arrived with the appetizers and by mutual unspoken agreement, we concentrated on the food. Which was, as promised, pretty damn good.

Between courses, Janet talked about her job and her travels. She mentioned a few of our college friends, the ones she’d heard from or heard about, but there weren’t very many she kept in touch with. I hadn’t kept in touch with any of them.

Finally, she said, "Look, you’ve been letting me blab about my life, what about yours? It must be very exciting, doing what you do."

I glanced across the table at Nick and the half-amused, half-exasperated look he gave me back spoke volumes: _Civilians. She has no clue what we do._

"Not to mention, you were actually... over there. In Vietnam. What was that like?"

I felt my heartbeat falter, then speed up. My mouth was dry again, but for a completely different reason. As I watched, Nick’s eyes grew cold, the pleasant expression giving way to a hard, tight mask.

"Not exactly the stuff of light dinner conversation yet, Janet. At least, not for us."

Janet sobered and nodded. She took my hand and I squeezed her fingers gently, appreciating the offered comfort.

"So what are you planning to do when you get out?" she asked Nick. "Or do you intend to make the military your career?"

Nick shook his head. "No, I’ve got another year and a half left on my contract, then I’m done with active duty."

"That long? But you got in before Cody, right?"

"Yeah, but I re-upped once. As to what I’ll do when I get out, I don’t really know yet." Nick cleared his throat and folded his napkin. "Listen, this was great, Janet, but I’m afraid I have to get going."

"You’re leaving? But you haven’t had dessert yet."

"Yeah, I’m afraid so. I’ve got a thing. You guys have some for me, though, alright?"

As Nick had predicted, Janet didn’t seem put out or even surprised.

"Oh, well, I’m glad you were able to join us, Nick. Have a good time."

"You too." He nodded at her, and extended his hand to me. When I took it, I felt the folded bills he’d palmed.

"Thanks, buddy," I said, grinning. "Don’t wait up."

After Nick left, Janet said, "I hope it wasn’t something I said."

She still had hold of my hand, and simple though it was, the feel of her fingers wrapped around mine was intoxicating, headier than the wine we’d been drinking.

"No, no, not at all," I assured her. "He’s got—"

"A thing," she finished wryly. "I get it. But I’m sorry I brought up the war. It must’ve been awful."

"It was. If it wasn’t for Nick, I’d never have made it. He saved my life, more than once."

"I see. I have to admit, I never would have thought you’d join the Army. You were always more of a ‘make love, not war’ kind of guy."

I didn’t know how to answer that, so I waved the waiter over. Janet passed on dessert after all and we had coffee instead.

"What about you, Cody? What do you plan to do after the Army?"

I hesitated. Ordinarily, I’d have said something half-jokingly about starting the Allen & Ryder Widget Company—only half a joke because I was dead serious about the Allen & Ryder part. With a pang, I realized that for the first time, I wasn’t sure about that anymore, and by the way Nick had avoided the question earlier, I guess he wasn’t sure, either.

"I don’t know, Janet," I replied honestly. "It... depends."

 _Depends on you, on us._

She didn’t look particularly happy about my answer, but she nodded without comment.

When we were finished with coffee, she excused herself to go to the ladies’ room. I asked for the bill, bracing myself for the sticker shock.

"It’s already been taken care of, sir," the waiter said.

"What?" My first thought was, _Nick? But then why give me—_

"Compliments of Mr. Martindale."

"Oh. Well, thanks, but I think I’d rather take care of this myself." Reservations were one thing, but I wasn’t about to have this guy picking up the tab.

The waiter murmured, "As you wish," and gave me the bill. I almost dropped it when I saw the total, but I managed to keep my cool. I pulled out my wallet. With the cash Nick had passed to me, I had more than enough to cover the tab and tip, fortunately.

After I handed the money to the waiter, I said, "Is Mr. Martindale still here? I’d like to thank him for his generous offer." The waiter pointed to a private room behind me.

The door was ajar, and as I knocked on it, it swung open. Inside, Martindale was sitting at a table, the remains of a meal spread out in front of him. Standing next to him was Janet.

She had her hand on the table, leaning forward so that her head was on a level with his, and close, very close. They both turned as I knocked.

Janet straightened up quickly. Her lips were pressed together tight, and her color was high, obvious even in the subdued lighting. She looked as though she’d gotten caught with her hand in a cookie jar.

Which I guess she had, in a manner of speaking.

I turned and left.

I got about a block away from the restaurant before I slowed down. I was looking around, trying to get my bearings when I heard, "Cody, wait!"

I stopped and waited. Janet grabbed my arm and pulled but when I didn’t turn, she came around and faced me. Her touch, which I had wanted so much, was now unbearable. I tried to disengage my arm but she wouldn’t let go.

I burst out furiously, "When were you going to tell me?"

The attack seemed to take her aback and her eyes flashed.

"What, that I’ve had other lovers since we broke up? I’d have thought that was a given. I’m sure you’ve had your share. Or is that only acceptable if you’re a man?"

"Oh, come off it, don’t pull that feminist crap on me. It doesn’t matter to me that you’ve slept with other guys. What does matter to me is that you’re still sleeping with this one and didn’t tell me about it. Not only that, Martindale’s married, isn’t he? I didn’t think old married guys were your type."

She dropped her hand instantly.

"That’s a low blow, Cody. Things aren’t that simple. You have no idea what the situation is."

"So? Enlighten me." I crossed my arms and waited.

"I’m good at what I do, Cody, damned good, but opportunities don’t magically appear and offer themselves to you just because you’re good. It takes knowing the right people and being in the right place at the right time for the doors to open for you. Fred... Fred is one of those people. We have an understanding. It’s not about love, for either of us. It’s just sex." She crossed her arms too, hugging herself against the chilly night air.

"I know it sounds like I’m trying to sleep my way up the ladder, but I'm not. I just want the chance to show I can do the job just as well as a man. I still have to prove myself, every day. I still have to work harder than the men—twice as hard, in fact—to get any respect. The playing field is so male-dominated, so steeped in testosterone, this is the only way I can even come close to leveling it. So I do and I'm not going to apologize. It’s the only way my being a woman is an advantage in this world and I use it. Tell me, how is it any different from the women you’ve slept with? Are you telling me it was love, every time, with all of them?"

 _No, only with one._

"That doesn’t make it right, Janet."

"Maybe not. But I’ve done nothing illegal and I don't intend to. I won’t cross that line."

I looked into her defiant eyes, her beautiful, implacable face, and I knew she meant what she said. Her words had a ring of finality to them, and I could feel anger and frustration building in me.

"So where does that leave us?"

"I don’t know, Cody. I don’t think us being together is going to solve our problems."

"What’s that supposed to mean?"

"Well, look at what happened. We broke up, and how did you handle it? You joined the Army, for goodness’ sake! Does that sound like a mature, thought-out plan? I mean, you only had one semester to go, and you simply up and ran away, didn’t you? Ran away from school, ran away from your friends, ran away from your life—"

"You ran out on us first!"

"I did not! It didn’t have to be forever, I told you that! But you wouldn’t listen, didn’t answer my letters—"

"And I did not run away from life, I—"

"You went to war! You went to war, Cody, you didn't have to but you went. You shot at people and let them shoot at you. If that wasn't abandoning the life you had, I don't know what is."

I swallowed and took a deep breath, trying to calm down. We were getting some curious looks from the passers-by.

She was right, in a way. Loving her was the best thing that ever happened to me, until it became the worst thing. My world had fallen apart when she left, and I’d turned to the Army to escape the shambles. A desperate act by a desperate man? Maybe. Probably. But I’d been looking _for_ a future as much as I’d been running away from my past. Seeing her again made me hope I had found it, but....

"We still don’t want the same things, do we?"

"No, Cody, we don’t."

"Do you think we ever will?"

"I... don’t know."

  


#####

  


  


  
_I'll put a spell on you, you'll fall asleep  
I'll put a spell on you, and when I wake you  
I'll be the first thing you see  
And you'll realize that you love  
me_   


Man, there are a lot of places to drink in D.C.

I didn’t stop at the first bar I passed, or the sixth. I wanted to be someplace where I wouldn’t run into Cody and Janet or even see them walk by.

I finally found one that looked promising: on a side street, practically empty, and with no windows. I sat at the counter and ordered a beer. I gulped it down and ordered another. It sloshed its way down and around the porterhouse steak lying like a rock in my stomach.

Watching Cody and Janet flirting with each other was more painful than I thought it would be. I kicked myself all evening as I sat there with a stupid smile pinned to my mug. After all, I was the one who insisted on playing the third wheel.

But I had had to see for myself, had to make sure that he was happy.

I got what I wanted, I guess.

The two of them made a great looking couple, there’s no denying that. It never fails, the ladies are always impressed by the uniform. With good reason—Cody wears his like he was born to it. Cody, with his ribbons on and his brass polished, Janet in her swanky cocktail dress: they were picture-perfect.

I had stuck it out until they started holding hands. I figured that was a good time to bow out, and anyway, I had had about all I could take.

Slowly, I realized there was music playing nearby, so I turned around and looked for where it was coming from. In the far corner was a piano, so I picked up my drink—my fourth, I think—and headed in that direction.

The piano player was old—older than God and black as the night. He was playing little riffs, bits and pieces of songs I could almost recognize but not quite. Pretty, happy stuff.

He smiled at me but didn't say anything, just kept playing. He tilted his head, indicating the empty space next to him. I thought, _why the hell not_ , and sat down on the bench.

He looked at me for a long moment, then segued into a darker, soulful mood. I watched his hands move, sure and knowing over the keys, a lover’s caress. The plaintive music spoke of long years and endless miles. Of broken hearts, unfulfilled wishes, deep regrets.

That went on for a while, then he slipped into another song, one I did recognize. He sang the words softly, but his voice was haunting and raw. He sounded for all the world like Brother Ray himself.

 __

 _No, you don't know the one  
Who dreams of you at night  
And longs to kiss your lips  
And longs to hold you tight  
To you, I'm just a friend,  
That's all I've ever been  
'Cause you don't know me._

  
I closed my eyes against the sting of threatening tears.

When the song was over, he went back to his medley of lighter melodies. I was surprised to find I felt a little better. Somehow, the music had tapped into my pain and bled some of it off. I got to my feet, pulled a ten out of my wallet, but he shook his head.

"I was Army too, airplane mechanic. Served at Tuskegee before I retired. I got a lot of respect for those wings you wear. Keep your money. Was my honor, flyboy." We shook hands, while his left one continued playing. "Good luck, with everything."

  


I got back to the hotel around midnight. Cody wasn't there, naturally. _Don't wait up_ , he'd said. Well, I sure wasn't planning on it. I was still mostly sober but hopefully there was enough alcohol in my system so I would fall asleep fast, and stop thinking about what Cody and Janet were doing. I felt wired and edgy, though, not sleepy at all.

 _Damn, it's going to be a long night._

I was just about to get undressed when the phone rang.

"Hello?"

"Nick? It's Janet. Is Cody there?"

"No, I thought he was with you. What happened?"

"We had a fight and he left. That was hours ago, I've been calling and calling."

"I just got back. It doesn't look like he's been here. What did you guys fight about?"

"We..." she gave out a short, humorless laugh. "We broke up. We weren't even together yet, and we broke up again. God, I should never have agreed to go out with him."

"Then why did you?" I was getting pretty pissed, but she sounded genuinely upset.

"Because I still love him, Nick. Loving him was never the issue. We just... we're not on the same page yet. There's too many problems in the way."

Something clicked, and the light bulb went on. "Is one of those problems Fred Martindale?"

She gasped, "How did you know—"

"I didn't, but I do now." I said tightly. It bothered me at the time, something about the way Martindale had acted, and how Janet had looked at him, that gave me a funny vibe. Damn it, I should've paid attention to it. "What did you say about him? 'A very useful contact.' Yeah, I bet the two of you had a lot of 'contact.' You're a real piece of work, lady, you know that?"

"Look, this is between Cody and me. It doesn't concern you."

"It does if you're hurting him."

"He doesn't belong to you."

 _Yes, he does. He's mine._ The thought came instantly, and I barely managed to keep from shouting it at her.

Instead, I said, "Are you saying he belongs to you, Janet? 'Cause it sure don't look to me like you've been taking care of your property."

"No, he... that's not what I meant, that's not fair."

"I got a news flash for you, lady, life _ain't_ fair. Your job is your first priority, fine, that's your choice. But you don't get to have your cake and eat it, too. You don't get to dump a guy and then whistle for him to come running. Cody deserves better than that." _He deserves better than you._

At first, I thought she had hung up, but then I could hear her breathing. No, she was crying.

"You're right. He does," she whispered.

I should have felt vindicated by her admission, I guess, or maybe guilty for her tears. Truth is, all I felt was worry.

"Where did you see him last?"

"Outside of the restaurant. Right after dinner."

 _Shit, that long ago?_

Worry flared into full-blown panic. "Janet, I gotta go."

"Nick, wait."

"What?" I said impatiently.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said those things. I know you're just concerned about Cody."

"Yeah, okay," I muttered. For the life of me, I could not muster up an apology of my own.

"Cody told me you saved his life, during the war. Thank you."

I didn't want her to thank me, as though I'd saved him for her. It had nothing to do with her.

"Don’t.... Look, Janet, I don't need your thanks. He’s done the same for me." _He saves me, over and over again. He keeps me alive, keeps me human._

"Still, I’m glad he has you, Nick. You know, there's a belief that if you save someone's life, you're responsible for that life from then on. So maybe I was wrong. Maybe Cody does belong to you."

"Janet—"

"Tell him I'm sorry, tell him I... just take care of him, please."

"I will," I said, as gently as I could, accepting the truce. "Listen, I really have to go, I have to find him."

"How are you going to do that? Do you know where he went?"

"Yeah, I think I do."

  


It had rained again while I’d been in the bar, pretty heavily this time. The streets and sidewalks were slick with it. Downtown was huddled and quiet, pulled in on itself. The late hour probably had a lot to do with it, too, but either way, weary resignation covered the city like a cold, wet blanket.

The cab dropped me off at the west end of National Mall. As I walked along the Circle to the Lincoln Memorial, I realized it had been less than 24 hours since we were here, Cody and I. Man, what a difference a day makes.

Cody had been much more relaxed in the morning, and he had a lot more enthusiasm for seeing the sights. We spent some time at the Natural History Museum, and went up the Washington Monument. I was kind of disappointed that the National Air and Space Museum was still under construction. I almost said to Cody that we should come back when it was open and see it together for the first time, but I caught myself. I’d only resent him if that trip never happens.

Late in the day, we finally got to the Lincoln Memorial, and I could tell this place meant something special to Cody. He’d been very young, he said, and Lincoln’s statue, so large and solemn, filled him with a sense of awe that never truly went away. We stood at the south wall, where the words of the Gettysburg Address are carved.

"‘That these dead shall not have died in vain.’" Cody shook his head. "Sometimes, that’s all we can hope for, I guess."

"Yeah." A hundred years had brought a lot of changes to how wars are fought, but one thing remained constant: there was always the dead.

I had reached the steps of the Memorial, and I paused for a moment. The interior was lit up and glowing, a warm beacon cutting through the chill. The Reflecting Pool glowed, too, rippling slightly under the breeze. It was breath-taking.

At the top of the steps, silhouetted by the light, was a man sitting all alone.

I climbed up the stairs and sat next to him. He didn’t seem to notice. The stone steps were wet and freezing. So was he.

"Jeez, Cody," I said softly, wrapping my arm around him. "Hey. C’mon, talk to me. Cody."

I was getting worried, and I think it was that worry that finally got through to him. He turned and looked at me. His eyes were red, and he reeked of booze. In his hand was a soggy paper bag. I took it from him; the bottle inside was empty.

 _Ah, shit._

"I fucked up again, Nick."

"No, you didn’t."

For someone who was totally plastered—and believe you me, I’d seen him drunk more than enough times to know—he was remarkably coherent.

"I did. Janet doesn’t want me. Again. Keep disappointing her. What the fuck is wrong with me, huh? Why can’t I get it right?"

Damn, he’d twisted the situation up, turned it upside-down, inside-out, and sideways, until he'd convinced himself that it was all his fault.

"You didn’t do anything wrong, babe," I said, chafing his hands to warm them. "Janet's the one who messed up, fooling around with Martindale."

He was so far gone he didn't even question how I knew, just like he hadn't asked me how I'd found him.

"No, not Janet's fault. Don't you see, Nick? It’s not like I expected her to be faithful to me, to what we had. Lord knows, I haven't been. All those girls I slept with? I used 'em, just like she's using Martindale. 'S the same."

It wasn't the same, not by a long shot, but arguing the point wasn't going to get me anywhere.

"Fine, whatever. I still say you didn't do anything wrong."

"O’ course I did. I quit. I’m a quitter. I’m a no-good, no-account quitter, who ran away to join the Army. Christ, I'd have been better off joining the circus. No wonder she can’t love me. Who would want a no-good, no-account..." He pulled his hands away from mine and buried his face in them.

"I would."

He looked up and smiled at me, the sweet, innocent, trusting smile of the truly wasted. "Good ol’ Nick. You do love me, don’t you? And I love you, buddy."

I tried to smile back. "I know. Hey, I'm getting kinda cold. Let’s go back to the hotel, okay?"

"'Kay," he agreed. He let me haul him to his feet, but he wasn't coordinated enough to stay standing, much less walk anywhere by himself. I pulled his arm over my shoulder and grabbed him around his waist. We lurched our way down the steps, amazingly making it to the bottom without falling on our faces.

The taxi was waiting where I had left it, fortunately, so I bundled Cody in and we headed back. He had reached the sleepy stage of his drunk, and kept nodded off against my shoulder.

When I got him into our room, he dropped on the bed like a sack of potatoes. He was out the moment his head hit the pillow and it was a pain in the ass to get him out of his wet clothes. His uniform was a wreck. But it was done, finally, and I pulled the covers over him with a sense of relief.

He’d have a bitch of a hangover when he woke up, but for now, at least, he had some peace.

I was glad one of us did.

 _I'd have been better off joining the circus._

The truth of that hit me hard, all the more so because it was a truth I'd known all along, but had managed to ignore. It brought home to me, more keenly than ever, how wrong it was for Cody to have been in-country in the first place. Not because he wasn’t tough, or brave, or strong—he was all those things. I couldn’t ask for a better soldier to be at my side when the bullets start flying. But at his heart, Cody wasn’t meant for military life, for the ugliness of war.

How ironic was it that the best thing in my life should never have come into my life in the first place?

But he had. And though I mourned for what Cody lost of himself by coming to 'Nam, I was grateful beyond measure that he was there.

And didn't that just make me the most selfish son of a bitch on the planet.

I thought about what Janet had said, that if you save someone’s life, you become responsible for them. I looked at Cody, resting for the moment.

He was going to be hurting for a long time. He needed me as a friend, first and foremost. When it came right down to it, it wasn't a hard decision at all, to keep my feelings for him a secret.

Not that telling Cody I want him as a lover is going to freak him out or make him hate me, that kind of shit simply isn’t in him. But it might make him feel obligated to love me that way out of some misguided sense of loyalty or gratitude or feel uncomfortable around me if he can't. I couldn't live with that.

Maybe someday, things will be different, and I'll be able to tell him. Cody's heart, it's big enough, I know it is. In the meantime, we'll still have each other, best friends in pretty much every way possible except the one. Hobson's choice—guess I'll take it.

  
_I'll put a spell on you, you'll fall asleep  
I'll put a spell on you, and when I wake you  
I'll be the first thing you see  
And you'll realize that you  
love  
me._   



End file.
